Ever had so much love for a person that you

don’t really know what to do with it?

It’s overwhelming.  Sometimes it makes you do crazy, stupid

things.  Other times it scares you into inaction.

For a moment, I’ll pretend I know what I’d do…

I would be patient with you and furiously defend you

from my own intolerance.

I’d forgive the mistrust in my past, the guilt in

yours, and the blurred lines in OURS.

I’d want to be your reflection.. to show you how

beautiful you really are

in those moments when you feel

least attractive.

I would go on midnight runs for pizza and

hold your hand as if I’d lose you should I ever

let go.

I’d heal you from whatever happened to you

From whoever happened to you

and leave the past where it belongs

I’d be open with you and true, even when my

truth isn’t pleasant.  I’d be tender, and altruistic,

and kind, and dependable, and

spontaneous, and consistent,

and supportive, and forgiving, and

I’ll lift you up, and I’ll stay down, and I’ll be

attentive, and I’ll be…. vulnerable.  Vulnerable

to the point it seems foolish, but I’ll love enough

to trust you won’t make a fool of me.

above all, I’ll be

yours.  

I’ll be yours as long as you want me to be.

Ever had so much love for a person that you

couldn’t pretend you didn’t anymore?

Me neither.

-CAS

Often, I’ve been asked (and a few times chastised as some sort of love deviant) about my perpetual residence in Singledom. Folks just can’t fathom why a young, goal-oriented, and relatively established man would want to spend countless nights sleeping alone in a bustling, vibrant city like Chicago. Usually people assume there must be something wrong with the single person, perhaps they’re socially awkward, emotionally damaged, or so “popular” (read: serial monogamist) that no one really has any confidence in them making a long-term commitment. Rarely do we think that a single person has actually made a choice to be free from romantic attachment. However, there are many people, like myself, that consciously make a decision not to pursue a relationship with someone unless they feel both parties are “ready.”

Granted, being “ready” is a very broad and ambiguous state that can be defined differently across genders, races, and levels of consciousness. To avoid sounding preachy and judgmental, I’ll tell you what being “ready” means to me and, as customary, difference of opinion is welcome – but not requested.

Long-term relationships, platonic and intimate, are rooted in what social psychologists refer to as an equity principle. Now, don’t go getting your feathers all ruffled thinking that equity means each person has to bring an equal share of everything to the table. It doesn’t mean that your partner has to earn a matching salary, cook breakfast each time you cook dinner, or expeditiously reciprocate every one of your good deeds in similar fashion.

Equity is not as simple as a game of table tennis, with each partner required to instantly return every gesture with equal force. Long-term relationships aren’t maintained through this sort of short-term return of investment. Equity assumes that each person is receiving an outcome proportional to what they are putting into the relationship. If both have a feeling that what they receive from the association corresponds to the assets and efforts they contribute, they both perceive an equitable relationship. Your partner doesn’t need to provide something identical to what you provide, but you need to be content with what they do bring to maintain long-term equity.

Long-term equity isn’t hung up on tallying every red rose and “it’s been a long day” foot massage. It is instead concerned with not keeping score of who does what and when and it is much less calculated. However, when we involve ourselves in relationships where our needs are so grossly unfulfilled, we have no choice but to consciously focus on the inequality of our responsibilities.

Take a look at the recent developments between Chris Brown, Karrueche, and Rihanna. First, and mostly to avoid the risk of being indicted by their legions of fans and friends, I think it’s important to say that I have no internal intelligence regarding their situation so most of the following will be purely hypothetical and based on media speculation.

Chris Brown is without a doubt a very successful and accomplished young man. He’s sold millions of records, performed in countries many of us only read about, and is consistently thinking of new, innovative ways to market and promote his brand.

From what I’ve learned of Karrueche, who I ‘m sure is a very nice and kind-hearted girl, her identity to the public begins and ends with Chris Brown. I’ve read that she models and consistently volunteers for nonprofit organizations, but that’s about all I know of her. She’s a 24 year-old woman that has yet to be associated with a degree, a career, or any long-lasting endeavors. Of course, this doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have any, but it does provide a sense of the mode that the majority of the population identifies with her.

From an outsider’s perspective, it would appear that her livelihood was mostly dependent on Brown during the course of their relationship. One look at their social media accounts shows that the majority of their time was spent together. This kind of relationship demands a tremendous amount of responsibility from one partner. Sure, having a partner that is totally dependent on you may be beneficial for someone with a controlling nature or preoccupied attachment (marked by a sense of one’s own unworthiness, anxiety, ambivalence and possessiveness). It could also be a joy for someone who is engrossed with the idea of giving, giving, giving and never receiving or accepting anything in return (FYI, this is me facetiously pretending that person exists). However, it’s not quite as attractive to a person who prefers a mate that can equitably contribute or, as they say in the streets, match their “swag.” Enter Rihanna and her seemingly never-ending bevy of successful accomplishments.

Rihanna is a woman that has achieved a very high level of success in her own right. She sells records, she breaks record, stars in pillow-buster (let’s be honest, it was hardly blockbuster) movies, and is a mononymous brand celebrated across the globe. She’s a person who can do what she wants when she wants to do it and doesn’t have to rely on another’s approval in the process.

This kind of self-reliance and independence is appealing to a mature audience. Sure, it’s nice being able to take care of someone but I think we would much rather do so voluntarily as opposed to it being an absolute necessity. As we mature, a partner’s level of independence becomes a more attractive feature and, from a selfish perspective, it actually allows us more freedom. When our partners have their own obligations, they tend not to be overly preoccupied with what we are doing every waking moment of our lives. In my opinion, having your own “life” before you enter into a union and not totally surrendering that “life” is such an integral part of a long-lasting, healthy relationship.

By now you may be asking what all of this has to do with my choice to be single? Well, I’ve taken the time to critically engage myself and evaluate what “equity” means to me. It’s incredibly important to be aware of what equity is in order for us to determine whether or not another person can and will meet those needs. We often end up disappointed because we’ve made commitments to people who are unable to meet us in the middle in various avenues of the relationship. We need emotional support and make commitments to emotionally unavailable people, assuming that their love for us will change them. We need dinners at fancy restaurants and commit to people with buffet budgets.

I’ve chosen to be conscious about the nonnegotiable facets of my relationships, no matter how strict they may seem to others. It’s much more productive for me to be honest with myself, and others, about who and what I want than it is to force something that just doesn’t fit. I’m single because I’ve chosen not to settle into a partnership where I perceive myself contributing too much and feeling irritable or too little and feeling guilty. I’ve made the conscious choice not to accept anything less than I feel I deserve whether it be respect, love, or honesty. I no longer waste time in relationships that I knew after the third week weren’t really going to last, merely for the sake having the attachment. I’m not afraid of commitment, I’m not afraid of falling in love, and I’m not damaged and broken by my past relationships. I’m awfully optimistic that one day I’ll find myself in a loving, enduring, and healthy relationship. I’m just no longer interested in trying to make “fetch” happen. I’m exercising my right to be single and free until I don’t want to exercise it anymore.

-shockley

When we accept someone who cheats/cheated on us…well, that’s what we’re accepting.

We are the ones who make it “okay” to abuse our trust.

I get the whole idea that “everyone makes mistakes” & “deserves a second chance” but that “chance” doesn’t have to be with YOU.  They can have a second chance with someone else. They’re not DEAD but their position, their place, and their function in your life IS.  People won’t understand that if we don’t make them. And we make it acceptable for everyone else (present and future) when we settle with that. You accept someone who disrespects you and leave everyone else in their future with the responsibility of tying up your loose ends.  The people who accept that behavior are just as much responsible for the damage caused by it. It’s not fair and others can’t thank you for that.  Ultimately, people who take a stand against disrespect look like the “bad guy” simply because they won’t be subordinate to the mess you made.  

TRY THIS, “I’m sorry that the last person you were with allowed you to curse them, lie to them, & cheat on them. I truly am. However…that’s not how things are going to function in OUR world and, if that’s an issue, you can get out the same way you got in.”  And it’s best to follow-up on that by making good on your promise not to accept anything short of those simple demands.

I see confusion when people feel like staying in a toxic relationship is the embodiment of real love.  “I’m going to stick by the person who treats me horribly and consistently devalues my worth. Eventually, they’ll see how much I love them.”  Yeah, because that’s typically what happens, right?  Staying translates “what you’re doing is okay with me & no matter how many times you do it, I’ll be here.”  

If you truly love someone, love them enough to demand better behavior from them and stop allowing them to misuse you and your gifts.  Though it may seem like one of the tragedies of life, sometimes loving means letting them go.

My life became so much easier once I realized that some people honestly don’t know any better. I realized that people cannot give you what they don’t have. I realized that I should not let them disappoint me because, for them, there is no other option. I am the one with the options.

I don’t get angry.  I don’t return fire with fire.  I don’t believe one wrong turn deserves another.  After all, what sense does it make to follow someone whom you realize is going the opposite direction you wish to go?

When we work to fill our lives with light & love, our worlds become impermeable to hatred and pessimism.

Forgive those people who have wronged you in the past and remove yourself from the chokehold they have on your life’s progression.  Remember, for them, there was no other option.  They simply didn’t know, then, how to act any other way.

ÇĀŠ

Taking things out of context, getting all bent out of shape over things that are all in your head… Listen to your heart and not your mind or you could miss out on something special.

She told me how handsome I am on the days I felt most unattractive. When I felt stupid, she told me I was the smartest person in the house. When I do something wrong, she lets me know in the kindest way possible. She accepts me as I am each and every day of my life. Though I’m sometimes unappreciative, disrespectful, and crass, she loves me nonetheless. She’s taught me everything I know about being the type of person that no one could ever forget. I love her more than any other of God’s greatest creations. She is my best friend, my role model, and the greatest gift I’ve ever recieved. She is the Miracle Mom and, had it not been for her, my life would be in shambles. Happy Mother’s Day to the best that ever did it..

A glance from you, the lightest caress of your skin 
Sends my system into overload, sparks a flame within 
A heart once dormant, now dressed in eruption 
The taste of your sweet sin stimulates spontaneous combustion 
But we suppress our true feelings 
Keep the extras unaware 
Of the consummate cohesion 
In our subliminal love affair 
The secrecy keeps us yearning 
With just the right touch of blues 
And the flame keeps on burning 
Til the next rendezvous 
No wrong time nor inopportune place 
Every chance, set of circumstance, every short-lived embrace 
Treat your body like a temple and I’m thirsty 
For some TRUE religion, better yet some YOU religion 
Wait…What we have is uncharted, we’ll call it NEW religion 
Yet still we suppress all emotion 
In each episode we share 
And hold strong to the notion 
Of the SUBLIMINAL love affair 
Outsiders seem anesthetized in total oblivion to our nexus 
Under a veil legally blind to the bond that connects us 
We reside in our own land laced with diamonds & pearls 
Population too (2) far from the broken hearted world 
We speak subliminally to conceal the truth 
Free from cords sans wires yet still there’s proof 
The nonparticipant just can’t see it, it’s like Bluetooth 
The fact they can’t see it won’t invalidate its existence 
Our attraction so strong, impervious, can’t resist it 
It’s an ageless sensation & never gets old 
A furtive passion from the inner core of our souls 
I’m perfect for you and you for me 
Guess it seems the stars were aligned 
We’re meant for each other inevitably 
Just not this time 
So when the next man becomes the ex man 
And your storms too much to bear 
You’ll find your way back here 
To this subliminal ♥ affair 

Left wing turns to right wing - West Wing politics of the worst kind

Latter experience communicates a sour after taste that you secretly wish to know again… Wanting the thing you once declared foul

Asking thyself which carries the heavier load.. the potential for TRAGEDY?

 re-emergence into the vicious cycle that soaked you, spun you, and hung you out to dry. Brittle - starched and stained by rays of Hate and deception

OR

Setting aside the propaganda of the past - allowing the belief of an exalted happiness to seep in. Hope that there may be a cloud TEN once you swim through the clouds of Chance.

At war.

Battle with self - stakes run higher than a barrel sucked from the sands of Arabia.  How do you fight your self-prescribed afflictions? Is it even worth the cost of the war.

Maybe we father wars never meant to be fought. [insert epiphany here]

Holding on. Clenching. Gripping. Too tightly to the conceptions [you should release] and free your limbs to EMBRACE what ends…

…

…Your ©onfliction

Ever been in a relationship (intimate or plutonic, friend or family) where you felt like a person constantly threw the things they did for you in your face? In the midst of an argument, have you found yourself reminding people of how many marvelous things you’ve done for them? Don’t be so quick to attribute things people do “for you” to their unselfish personality. Often, their reasoning could be quite the opposite…and they don’t even know it. Wonder why?

A friend of mine called me one day railing on their partner and how unappreciative they were of everything she did for them. Most of the conversation was “I always do this” and “I feel like he doesn’t reciprocate” or “I’m always surprising him”. You get the idea. So I posed a few questions to her: Why do you do the things you do? Do you do them to elicit a certain response? Why do you bring up everything you do for him whenever there is distress in your relationship? Of course her answers revolved around wanting to “make him feel good” or “because it makes me feel good when people do it for me.” Her mate’s response to her criticism was typically that he appreciates what she does, but refuses to submit himself to her because of it. Smart man. Wonder why?

You see my friend is a very needy person. She has a beautiful heart, but a needy, needy soul. She needs to feel a constant connection to someone and has an unyielding desire for love and acceptance. Sometimes that desire is counterproductive in her relationships, particularly when the things she does don’t yield the response she imagined. For example, one time she took soup and medicine to a sick friend and when she arrived she wanted to sit and chat for a while. The ailing amigo thanked her for the items but said they really weren’t in a chatty mood. Boy, did all hell break loose then! My friend was incredibly upset and felt like she was mistreated because after “all I’ve done, you can’t talk to me for five minutes?!” I hypothesize that she did such a “noble” act as helping a sick friend for herself more than, if at all, for her friend. She took this initiative so that she could receive praise from her friend and everyone else she would later spin this story to – except me. I know better than that and saw nothing wrong with a sick person wanting some personal space. Wonder why?

In her friend’s defense, I questioned how she could truly do something for someone else, in an assumed altruistic way, yet be so incredibly put off by the response she received. I believe that truly altruistic people do things because of who they are, because it’s their nature, and because just DOING it brings satisfaction. They don’t NEED someone to respond a certain way, tweet about their good deed towards them, or race to Facebook to praise them as the next best thing to God. They just need you to accept what they’ve done and move on, their thinking is very internal and self-sufficient. Everyone else, well, they do these things in an effort to manipulate people into ownership. Wonder why?

Though you may appreciate the effort a person puts into your relationship or the things they “do for you,” you cannot ignore the possibility that sometimes these things could be done for selfish reasons. You cannot ignore that some of these things may be done to yield a specific response from the affected person and others who witness the actions. This is especially true when folks find themselves constantly bombarded (or bombarding others) with accusations of not being appreciative. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think all people are consciously aware that their deeds are being done in a manipulative way but whether they realize it or not, it’s the truth. People can’t say “I do all this for YOU, I’m trying to make YOU happy, etc.” and subsequently feel some void because they didn’t get the acclaim or praise they so desired. That is the essence of psychological manipulation and it’s very basic. It’s doing something or saying something because of a need you have that can only be satisfied by a response from someone else. They’re doing it because they feel like it will make people want to be with them, to want to protect and love them. Their happiness and contentment in that relationship is solely dependent on the other person and is improbable to reach when their expectations are gauged only on another’s reaction. Their satisfaction may be based on the desire to control and exploit their partner’s feelings because, in their mind, this person will love me if I do this. Or, “I can make you want me if I do this for you.“ The true intent is exposed when they erupt with hostility because they haven’t gotten what they wanted from the person or the situation.

The main idea here is not to be so swift to assume that everything a person does is out of “the goodness of their heart.” Do not allow people to make you feel inadequate because you aren’t satisfying their own heightened expectations of you. True, there are considerate, appreciative, loving and caring people in this world. However, if you find that one is unusually giving, tread lightly. Watch their responses, check their motives, and be sure there’s no underlying intent behind their actions. That way you won’t have to “wonder why” they’re knocking down your door in the midst of the night because you didn’t ask for their hand in marriage after they brought you a new chicken wrap for lunch…

-Shockley